Friday, April 8, 2011

Two Questions.

Is it terrible?

1) That I kind of love it when my baby eats too fast while nursing and kind of chokes? Her face is so darling, and she throws her head back in this super dramatic way. It was even more dramatic when she was first born. Like someone else was running the show and she had no idea that this much food was coming her way. Kind of put out... So darling. I don't ever want to forget those moments, and the way she looked. So tiny, too.

2) That our dog seems to get on my nerves? Often. Tonight, we hung out with some friends that have a 6 month old, as well as a couple that are expecting in June. Lots of baby talk. I wouldn't've mentioned it, except the other mom did, and said that she is just no longer so into her dog. I don't want to give him away or anything like that. What it comes down to is that there is so much neediness that goes on around here, and, unfortunately, the dog catches the brunt of the frustration or non-tolerance...

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Nearly 2 Years...

Since I made a post. That's because I mostly suck at doing things online. However, I'm thinking that I'm going to give it another go. Not because I think what I have to say is so worth making available to the masses (masses?), but because I can type faster than I can write and I think I'll possibly enjoy looking back at such things.

Our baby, A.G., was born on 12.23.10. It has been SUCH a trip since then. However, I think this week has been particularly impactful because she started daycare. On Monday, we took her together for the first day. That was all fine and well; I got a bit teary when we were leaving, but it wasn't terrible. My husband picked her up that evening. She was totally beat, and slept through the night. This was, of course, awesome (except my boobs were about to explode, but that's a whole other deal...).

That night, I went to Target at 9.15pm. It was the first moment of 'now-I'm-a-real-working-mom' feeling that I've had. It was like, this is the only time I can imagine having time to get there. And what I bought: bathtub letters and numbers, nursing pads (inadvertently got non-stick ones~ why hasn't someone invented ones that stick to your skin so you don't have to wear a bra?!), some pacifiers, and a couple other non-fun, mom-like items. However, Tuesday was the real kicker. I picked A up from daycare, and since Tuesday is the one night a week I'm responsible for dinner, I decided I should try for something that wasn't totally lame. So we went to the grocery store. I. Never. Go. To the grocery store. In and of itself, I don't have any problem with the grocery store. However, it mostly overwhelms me, I want to buy tons of stuff, and B is the one in charge of all that. So I typically don't mess with it. But again, I wanted to make a non-sucky dinner. Which I actually did. Asian chicken with ginger and brussels sprouts. It was pretty great, if I do say so myself. We also went to the hardware store to get some topsoil for the vegetable garden.

I've recently had the experience of feeling like I'm waiting for my life to start, then having another thought, concurrently, that this is my life. And that's crazy. I'm going to the store, with my baby and getting things to make dinner. It's like, who's in charge of this?! Certainly not me. Also in the category of OMG, is this really REAL?~ I opened a 403b at work so that we can be 'responsible'. I have an Aflac account withholding money pre-tax so I can pay for daycare. At some point, we have become [ostensibly] real adults. It's hard to wrap my brain around. Then there's the fact that I still work. 4 days a week, I'm in my tiny office, trying to save the world. Okay, that's a bit dramatic, but I do work for a non-profit that requires a lot of brain-power and a fair amount of compassion, in balanced doses. It's a challenging job, and because I'm a therapist, there are tons of opportunities for self-reflection/self-doubt/self-recrimination/etc. So I'm working to get the balance figured out (does that ever happen, really?). I have some awesome people in my life; there are folks that have gone before me with babies and with work, and I am so blessed to have people I can ask all the questions... Ultimately, though, it's my lesson to learn. Here are some of the things that I have on my plate:

  • Vegetable Garden: Love it, want to love it, struggle to do it 'right'. I am about to get some lettuce and greens in, though. Thanks, B, for tilling!!!

  • Student Loan Biz: Would like to get them consolidated, maybe forgiven after 10 years for working the social services (i.e. the bonus for not actually making any real money...). Can the 10 years be backdated to include when I actually started work? Good question...

  • A's Baby Book: I do have some pictures in it, but need to get more printed. Which means organizing the ridiculous number of photos on my computer to know which ones I want.

  • The Rug: I started crocheting a rug out of old t-shirts while I was pregnant. Then I quit working on it for about the first ten weeks of our daughter's life. I'd like to get it done before she moves from the bassinet to her room. We'll see.

  • EMDR Certification: I've had the training, and need to work on getting my employer to pay for the consultation required to be certified. It's tricky for a number of reasons, not the least of which that my supervisor seems to think it's a bit hoaky. Nevermind that it's recognized by the major players in the trauma field, and that the Dept of Defense identifies EMDR as one of the treatments for PTSD in vets. Hopefully she'll come around...

That pretty much covers what I can think of right this minute. I do have other things, like remembering to make March my 'month' for self-care, on the recommendation of my midwife. She suggested picking one month to get all my health care stuff taken care of, which I thought was genius. I also would like to read The 7 Spiritual Laws for Parents (Deepak Chopra) every year. But I should probably finish it first... My supervisor, who I have a ton of respect for, also recommended a book by Meg Meeker, called The 1o Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity. There are a million books that I'd like to read, so I'm going to have to work on keeping that manageable and realistic... That will certainly be a challenge.

Life is a challenge, huh? I'm lucky to have an awesome husband and darling baby to share it, though.